Pre Gender Reveal

This blog post is bittersweet.

   I have been eagerly, excitedly waiting to write about the gender reveal of our precious little baby.  However, for the last few days, our sweet little 10 month old nephew, Watts, has been in the hospital as they try and determine what is wrecking havoc in his precious little body.  We found out that he has Acute Lymphoblasic Leukemia or ALL .  Shocked and incredibly sad in no way captures the feelings that David and I have been feeling and definitely do not do justice to what his parents are feeling and experiencing.  Please pray for Gideon Watts and his parents as they start chemotherapy and for this long road they have ahead of them.  For more info about little Watts, please visit http://cloudsofmercy.blogspot.com.

    David and I couldn't be more thrilled about having a baby this fall.  However, the news of Watts' diagnosis stirred up in us an unexpected sense of fear and uncertainty regarding the future of our little baby.  I have had many moments of worry and anxiety about my pregnancy, all of which have been fairly irrational, but even in these moments, God is faithful.  He has met me in the midst of my worrying and fear and reminded me of His faithfulness. This news, though, struck a deeper sense of fear and worry in us striking so close to us and in someone we love so dearly.   

    As David and I have talked since finding out about Watts, we have expressed these fears to one another and discussed how it is possible to be amazing parents that are Godly, prioritize life appropriately, make healthy life choices for your family, and still, have challenges and struggles and sickness.  My sister and brother in law, Hannah and Michael, are two of some of the most amazing parents that I know.  David and I look up to them in so many ways.  However, being amazing parents didn't exempt them from having an inconceivably hard thing happen to them - a baby diagnosed with Leukemia.  I have begun to reflect on the way that life as a parent isn't always like a bank.  If you put in enough good parenting and healthy eating, and great education, and Godly living, your child will not necessarily avoid hardship and smoothly go through life.  Life is hard and we live in a world that is fallen.  For me, I find myself putting a huge amount of stock in believing that if I eat the right things and exercise the right amount and have the right birth plan, and live a Godly enough life, my baby will turn out ok.  That's not what God promises, as much as I often live like it is.  There will be suffering and pain and He doesn't promise we will avoid this, but He does promise that He will be by our side when it does.  Here are a few of the things that He promises in His Word. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6), that He has plans for me and my baby that are good (paraphrased from Jeremiah 29:11), and that ultimately, He is in complete control of my baby and me.  He promises that someday, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death, or crying, or mourning, or pain." Until this time, "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' For He will save you from the fowler's snare, and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday."  (Psalm 91:1-6).  
   He holds my baby and Watt's little lives in His hands.  Nothing I do right now will change that fact, and when I think about whose hands I want my baby's life to be in, mine, or God's?  I immediately realize my own foolishness, and again attempt to relinquish control to the one who had it all along and holds it so perfectly, and tenderly, in His hands.